I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
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