so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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