apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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