1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
