I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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