ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
