i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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