my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
