You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
