please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
