just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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