guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
