how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
