Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
