she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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