Sacagawea was the original milf.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
