Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Congratulations! We have a period
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
