He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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