I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I think my fart just growled at me.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
