You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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