i think my mom watched the whole time
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
