Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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