apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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