dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
im having a threesome with these popsicles
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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