I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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