you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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