I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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