you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
