I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
