It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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