I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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