My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just gift wrapped bread.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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