my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
