The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
