So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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