she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
