If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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