Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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