I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
