Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
