I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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