I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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