I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
