I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Dear god my vagina.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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