she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
there was a trapeze. enough said
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Randomize
