so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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