If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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