life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
