those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
