Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Did we literally take a cab across the street
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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